Warren Farrell and Michael Gurian have been friends since the late 1980s.  Some of you may know Warren from his book The Boy Crisis (2019).  He is one of our foremost thinkers on the needs of women and men.  His new book, Role Mate to Soul Mate, has just been published.

We are happy to republish his latest article today.  This was published by Fox News on September 22, 2024.  We hope you will get Warren’s newest book on amazon and wherever books are sold.  Here’s more from Warren.

Our divided nation is dividing families. RFK Jr’s family—even his wife—are appalled at his support of Trump, and Tim Walz’s brother, Jeff Walz, has declared that his brother’s progressive ideology is the reason he hasn’t talked to him in eight years. The emotional loss of family and friends damages our mental health; the divisiveness among colleagues can poison the workplace.

This is not new. In the Civil War, it was not uncommon for a brother to fight his own brother. Our founding fathers often viciously disagreed. But they created institutional checks and balances to compensate for what they could not modify personally: our inability to hear opposing perspectives without becoming defensive.

With my background as a Ph.D. in political science who has also conducted couples’ communication workshops for the past 30 years, the search for a solution intrigued me. I saw that historically speaking, when we heard criticism, we feared a potential enemy. Therefore, building defenses was functional for survival. But for love, it’s just dysfunctional.

To transform civil war to civil dialogue with loved ones and friends, we need to develop behaviors that alter our natural biological propensity for defensiveness. Until these behaviors are practiced repeatedly, few people can practice them for more than an hour, but that is long enough to leave our friend or family member feeling heard.

With feedback from workshop participants reporting what did and didn’t work in their real lives, I developed a “Caring and Sharing Practice.” Since it is easier to hear criticism after we’ve been appreciated, the process begins with the first person who will be expressing her or his perspectives (or “criticism”) sharing two appreciations of the other at five levels of specificity.

For example, Tim Walz’s brother or RFK Jr’s sister might recall not just how curious their brother was, but share a specific childhood story. They could highlight their respect for how their brother consistently asked follow-up questions and had the courage to speak up about his beliefs without fearing rejection.

The next step begins with the understanding that “every virtue taken to its extreme becomes a vice.” Prior to Walz’s and RFK Jr’s sibling expressing their aversion to their brother’s perspective, they would search for the original virtue that motivates their brother.

Jeff, as a critic of “progressive feminism” would search for the sister or daughter whose life is more fulfilled by opportunities feminism helped create; Tim Walz, as a “progressive feminist,” might search for the virtue of Jeff emphasizing the importance of dad and faith to both children and their mother.

Prior to the core practice, I ask political opponents what they have in common. The answer? They all care. No one is apathetic. Caring enough to be actively involved is crucial to the sustaining of democracy.

Now the key “Caring and Sharing Practice” begins: since it’s biologically natural to become defensive when receiving criticism, I ask the person receiving the feedback to first alter their natural state. They meditate using six specific mindsets.  For example, I call one mindset “The Love Guarantee.” Tim and RFK’s Jr’s sibling might say, “The more I provide a safe environment for my brother’s perspectives, the more he will feel loved by me, and in turn, the more love he will feel for me.” The listener then signals when they feel completely receptive and secure. If they “lose it” they say “Hold” and resume the conversation only after they’ve found a mindset or two that recenters them.

Once Tim and RFK Jr’s siblings have heard their brother, they share what they heard; then ask if they distorted anything. They keep working at it until Tim and RFK Jr feel nothing is distorted. Then they ask if they missed anything, and finally, ask if they wish to add anything. Once Tim and RFK Jr. feel completely heard, Tim and RFK Jr. reverse the process for their siblings.

At the completion of the process, each sibling shares two more appreciations at five levels of specificity.

None of this requires anyone to change their mind. Only to leave someone they care for feeling understood and seen in the way they understand and see themselves.

Elections are now. Families are forever.

Warren Farrell, Ph.D., is author of Role Mate to Soul Mate, which explains Civil War to Civil Dialogue. His Ph.D. is from NYU.