The Center, A Place of Hope has been at the leading edge of mental health work for more than 30 years.   A psychologist who has written 40 books in the field, Dr. Gregory Jantz is Co-Founder of The Center and our guest blogger today.

In his guest post, he covers not only ghosting itself, but some of the science of dealing with rejection.  Thank you, Dr. Jantz, for this helpful blog post, and for being a sponsor of our Wonder of Parenting Podcast.  Now here’s more from Dr. Jantz.

Ghosting

This month, I’d like to discuss a topic that has a modern name, but one which has been around for generations – ”ghosting.” In my recent podcast series, I have delved into behaviors and mindsets that are associated with the increase in stress, anxiety, worry, and irritation so many are experiencing in today’s society.

One contributor – and byproduct – is the act (frankly, non-act) of ghosting. Ghosting occurs when two people have been in some regular communication, and then one person abruptly stops and seemingly “disappears,” or becomes a ghost as the other person tries to reach out and retain or re-establish contact.

Has someone in your life cut off all communication with you, suddenly and without explanation, leaving you feeling sad, abandoned, and perplexed? If so, you’ve been “ghosted.” Almost 3 out of 4 adults, and 4 out of 5 Millennials, say they have been ghosted in a romantic relationship. But why does it matter? Is it really worse than someone calling or writing to say they are going to stop communication and, well, so long?

What Defines Ghosting

In today’s world we often associate ghosting with dating, and especially online dating. But ghosting can happen between family members, longtime friends, church acquaintances, and even work colleagues. And unlike dating, ghosting can impact familial and professional relationships, pressuring finances, the perceived security within the family, and social vitality.

Ghosting can be confusing. It’s not always clear when someone is ghosting you and when they’re not. But the never-ending question of “what is going on?” is vexing. Let’s take a quick sidestep and differentiate relationships that drift apart and ghosting.

Two people can drift apart due to life circumstances – a new job in a different city, college pals graduate, new interests and the business of life. Although you may feel saddened by the loss, it is understandable when friends simply go different directions. Pursuing careers, move away, or have kids and raise a family.

But ghosting is something altogether different. Ghosting almost always involves a conscious decision to cut someone off. It often includes “benign neglect,” which means not caring about the other person’s well-being. At worst, it can be mean-spirited and vindictive.

The Impact of Ghosting

These four questions can help you know what’s right for you.

1. Does the toxic behavior involve physical or psychological abuse? If the answer is yes, to any degree, you must protect yourself from potential future harm. You should consider ending the relationship altogether.
2. Is the other person willing to take responsibility for his or her actions? Taking responsibility is essential for building trust and maintaining respect. Failure to do so leaves you questioning whether the other person is willing to change in the future.
3. Is the damage so severe that your relationship will forever be hampered? Everyone will have a different answer to this question depending on their beliefs and circumstances. It is important to be able to overcome problems and not be held back in the future.
4. Can you ever truly get along with this person again? When your anger subsides and you work through your emotions, you can better evaluate if regained trust and fair treatment is in fact possible or impossible.

You must realize that even if someone has hurt you, that need not take away your personal happiness. You are in charge of your attitude and response. You have the ability to deal with, and do your part, to build bridges. This will help you experience inner peace and contentment, even if the toxic person cannot.

10 Ways to Deal With Rejection

1. Reject the word Rejection. “Rejection” is heavy and negative. Choose more balanced wording like he/she chose to end the relationship.
2. Realize it is not about you. Being ghosted says more about the person ghosting than it does about you.
3. Keep up healthy habits. Choose to keep exercising, eating healthy, getting good sleep, and pursuing enjoyable activities with positive people.
4. Don’t “catastrophize.” Don’t let a single episode define your relationships.
5. Don’t allow past hurts to drag you down and expect doom and gloom. Tomorrow is a new day, and while too many people struggle with being forthright and considerate, you are certainly not alone. You are loved.
6. Refuse to feel inferior. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
7. You are not alone. Most everyone understands how you feel. Reach out to trusted and positive friends and family for support.
8. Practice self-compassion. Use positive self talk, connect with God, be gentle with yourself.
9. Feel it; don’t deny it. Pushing away your hurt only delays the healing process.
10. Tap into your sources of joy. Now is the time to do what makes you happy. When you’re happy, your energy is better, and good energy attracts good energy.

Let’s all be mindful of the way our words and actions can impact another. If a relationship needs to end, if possible find the strength to be compassionate but forthright with another. Live the Golden Rule.

There is hope and healing from painful relationships. If you are struggling to regain your balance and inner strength, contact The Center to visit with an admissions specialist. You can discuss what a treatment program can look like for you. Our team is available at 888.771.5166.

The Hope & Possibility Podcast

My recent podcast on ‘Ghosting’ provides insights into dealing with ghosting and addressing issues related to forgiveness, self-worth, honesty, and building trust in relationships.

You deserve to be treated with respect, honor, and dignity at all times by all people. Ghosting is a powerful and emotionally abusive behavior that involves the abandonment of relationships, leaving someone high and dry. It can severely impact self-esteem, create self-doubt, and foster deep mistrust in others. Be courageous and strong. There is HOPE.

If you are struggling with ghosting or emotional abuse, please contact us at 1-888-771-5166.