Dr. Warren Farrell has been a friend of Michael Gurian since the late 1980s and a friend of the Gurian Institute since its founding in the late 1990s.  Dr. Farrell is renowned worldwide for his work in women and men’s issues as well as his recent book, The Boy Crisis.

His newest book, Role Mate to Soul Mate, is just out, including a course that goes with the book.  Michael Gurian has written, “This is one of the finest reads available on how to have a healthy marriage, couple-ship, and also a healthy social dialogue.”  Dr. Farrell has been kind enough to share his “Eleven Soul Mate Wisdoms” with us in today’s blog post.

“Eleven Soul-Mate Wisdoms” from Dr. Warren Farrell’s Role Mate to Soul Mate

• Soul-Mate Wisdom 1: The secret to feeling loved is feeling understood: No one says, “I want a divorce, my partner understands me.”
  • Millions of women with beautiful diamonds are nevertheless filing for divorce. Few, if any of them, feel understood. Sex workers report many men feeling more need to be understood than to have sex.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 2: Our choice of partner is the most important statement about our choice of values
  • Before criticizing a partner, question the values you had that led you to choose that partner.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 3: Every virtue taken to its extreme becomes a vice
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 4: Criticism looks different to the criticizer and the criticized
  • While the criticizer often views their comments as constructive suggestions aimed at improving the relationship, the recipient typically experiences these remarks as hurtful criticism, leading to a decrease in intimacy rather than the intended increase.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 5: Anger is vulnerability’s mask
  • Anger is often a mask for underlying vulnerability, particularly in intimate relationships. When you see anger, think of vulnerability. We respond to anger with anger; we respond to vulnerability with empathy.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 6: Falling in love is biologically natural; sustaining love is biologically unnatural
  • Sustaining love requires an art and a discipline that is unnatural but, when practiced, will both sustain and deepen love.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 7: The path to relationship wealth is appreciating your partner as if you are panning for gold
  • The path to relationship wealth involves ignoring our loved one’s “little stones” and panning for our loved one’s “gold.”
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 8: The more you love your partner, the more vulnerable you feel, so the harder it is to hear your partner’s criticism without reflexively defending yourself.
  • Don’t view your partner’s defensiveness as a sign of incompatibility, but rather as an indication of the depth of their emotional investment in you.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 9: When either of us wins, both of us lose
  • In a relationship, when one partner “wins” an argument, both partners ultimately lose. Solving arguments with arguments does not solve arguments.
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 10: Never say what you don’t want; ask for what you do want
  • Instead of “you left the toilet seat down again,” try “I love the aesthetics of the toilet seat being down. Would you put it down?”
• Soul-Mate Wisdom 11: When criticism appears, wisdom disappears
  • It takes more than wisdom to refrain from responding to criticism directly; it requires the discipline of a consistent practice.

Warren Farrell, PhD, has coached couples and psychologists in couples’ communication for the past 30 years. His Role Mate to Soul Mate book emanates from his popular course of the same title.

Dr. Farrell has been chosen by the Financial Times of London as one of the world’s top 100 thought leaders. His books are published in 19 languages, and include The New York Times bestseller Why Men Are the Way They Are, international bestseller The Myth of Male Power, and 2018’s The Boy Crisis.

Dr. Farrell has been interviewed repeatedly by Oprah, Barbara Walters, Tucker Carlson and Jordan Peterson, and also by Peter Jennings, Katie Couric, and Charlie Rose. He has frequently written for and been featured in The New York Times and publications worldwide.

Warren has two daughters and lives with his wife in Mill Valley, California, and virtually at warrenfarrell.com.  To acquire his Course, please visit his website.  The books is sold wherever you buy your books.