This last weekend, Michael Gurian officiated the wedding of his and Gail’s daughter Davita to Ben Herrington at their climbing gym, Rock Shop, in Richland, WA.  Nearly two years ago, he did the same for their daughter Gabrielle and Jack Guen-Murray at their home in Spokane.

To celebrate everyone’s search for lifelong love we are publishing Michael’s words for the couples in our Story of a Man blog this week.  Enjoy!

Wedding Song for Davita and Ben, September 25, 2021

Davita, Ben, how wonderful to celebrate with you in this place, your place of the colorful climb, of children and families, adventure and warmth near a river embraced for generations by ancient tribes and, more recently, a complex, radiant innovation.  You are two free people who, adoring one another, tell us, today, a personal, infinite story of human love.

Through climbing you two first met, after you had each fought epic battles of the self already.  In the passion of early love, you finished school, worked, traveled, sent lines, walked hand in hand asking deep questions of your joy; and you illuminated mirrors of self, soul and spirit!  Now, together almost ten years, you have answered your early questions by teaching one another how to love.

And when you two first met, you knew little of the other’s family–all families are wild, after all, so we keep them hidden at first—little yet of wedding rings either, or this lovely dress, Davita, that unites beauty with power, or your tuxedo, Ben, of handsome, precise resilience.  But today when you slide rings onto fingers, you blend traditions from Jews, Mormons, Russians, Irish, Scottish, English, American, many more; and express an ancient–call it “holy”–truth of marriage:  that it takes all the generations to clean the mirror, all the generations to risk and repair the world.

And when you two first met, how could you know yet what all your new traditions would be, your new innovations? You know a lot of them now—work in health care, business, setting, management, love of podcasts, travel, Chipotle your favorite (!), and co-owning this gym.  Climbing is the center point of your new traditions:  in it, I think, you reach great heights then return to earth transformed.  The circle of people here, today–we want to be like your boulders, ropes, carabiners, setting plans:  we commit our support to your marriage so that you can feel safe in this complex world to make of your lives a haven.

And when you two first met, today’s wedding vows weren’t yet in your minds, these sacred words written not on some card but your words that will echo nature’s first sounds, its first story without sovereignties.  Your map, your human plan for radiant love will dissolve back into Time but still you speak it bravely, and through your vows, sacrifice whatever fear of intimacy you have left in yourselves so that you can experience the miracle of completing another person’s life.

I can say from long experience with your mother, with Gail, there is no peace like that peace, no conquest quite like being conquered; no forgiveness like a married couple learns in lifelong love.  May you both love one another so deeply that no matter how busy your lives get, you will stop every day to enjoy the whispery sound of the other’s breathing; every night, in just the right light, touch the lines of the universe on this other face.

Love like you two have is an evolving whole, composed of awe and grace—of the past, yes, but even more: of the future. When you break the wineglass today and reunite its fragments in your marriage, you tell the story of a woman and a man who, in the storms of life, will be broken at times, but mainly so they keep moving toward one another, closer, closer, closer.  In evolving together, you will drink from the cup of pure spirit.

And if you are not convinced already, let having children convince you of your own loveliness.  Adore them and all the children who will shine brightly near you not only because you protect them from some of the aches and chaos of life, but because your love mirrors back to them that they, too, are maps of time, they too are safely encircled in the adventure of this life, they too are worthy of an epic love.

And when you cuddle together watching movies in whatever technology exists in your future; or you drive really late at night (scaring the heck out of others—especially this father!) to a new climbing site; or you stand in front of a new mountain plotting its map of ascent and descent; or, silver-haired, you walk hand in hand beside the Columbia River or another, reckoning your age with the cycle of the soul, travel back to this wedding ritual, this family, these friends, this day, this tiny eternity, when you made your words and actions holy; this place, your place, and this story, your story of true love:  nature’s best answer to every human question.

Wedding Song for Gabrielle and Jack, November 9, 2019

Gabrielle, Jack, how lovely to be with you in this moment of grace, the joining of two people into a marriage bond that will encourage your own individual independence and also transcend it: a bond through which you will freely illuminate your own and your spouse’s integrity, an intimacy you make official before family and friends, for sickness and health, in this safe home for your hearts, on a day that imitates eternity in time.

While I cannot say what “true love” means for you (your vows will speak better for you than I can) I have been married a few years (decades!) and Gail has illuminated me and I her, all this time.  We can confirm for you the existence of the kind of love, the revelation of passion, all poets speak of, the love that turns our eyes their most beautiful color, the love placed by Creation into every system as its narrative, the tenderness God hid inside even the first flame.  This is the same love you wear in your dress and suit today, your costumes for the original light.

This love you commit to in marriage is the same love you will use for strength as you face challenges together; and you will face challenges.  To speak your truths, you must at times—as we all must—eat from a feast of losses.  Expect adversity, welcome it, let it test you, and each time you’re tested, find your way back to one another, back to the passion of this moment, this feeling in this wedding place:  that no matter when you think you have fallen, you have your husband and wife to help you rise up again.

Go into marriage knowing that your families now join through you; your tribes and nations join, your ancestors and heritage are here, with you, in you.  For China and Russia, for Ireland and Poland, for America, you wear the cloak of generations.  Enjoy this new radiant status:  your wedding is not just a fun party nor some weak old tradition–it is your gain of our commitment, from each ancestral tribe from the beginning of time, to support you in living out your destiny.

Go into marriage proud of yourselves, two people who care deeply for others, for those who have not, for those who are hurting, for those in need.  This empathy is a mission you carry inside you, as you did in the Peace Corp in China where you met and fell in love.  Until now, until today, you carried it separately, but now in marriage, it becomes one value, one accountability, one goal.  Together, you will repair the earth, create life and argue law, bring people to new joys, help our disordered centuries—and our disordered country–just a bit, to heal.

Go into marriage knowing you are both equally ambitious, both luminary, both decisive, both dreamers.  Enjoy the wild possibilities of your partner’s dreams while bringing them also to reason.  When at times your own individual dreams are not the same as your partner’s, remember that they do carry the same living weight.  Even when you feel your partner’s dreams might limit your own, remember this day, this commitment, this wedding of radiant intelligence, shared purpose, and openness to mystery.

Go into marriage in awe of your partner—her will, his sturdiness, her beauty, his laugh.  Each day you live together, promise to find some phrase or song or gesture that shows you feel awe, shows that you recognize, in the other, what is best in your own life.  While youthful passion is the center of your love right now, awe will be its longevity.  Savor that awe like food (and you both do know how to savor food!)  In this way, the phrase “our love is eternal” passes on through the cells you create together, affects your work and service, affects the way you relate to the earth and the world, touches everyone who, in seeing you love, learn for themselves, how to love.

Go into marriage demanding respect and giving it, and even more subtle, remembering that you promise, today, to make angers, blames, and frustrations into a return, quickly, to awe.  When fights happen, repair your partner’s wings, and when you are wronged, speak freely your pain, and in every possible case, ask for and give to the other the only real path back to redemption:  forgiveness.  Rarely, if ever, go to bed angry; talk about everything of worth and be stoic about the rest.  Apologize more than you think you should, do the same with forgiveness, and you will be happy together.

How beautiful is a wedding day!  We all know each lifetime is brief and yet, somehow, it feels to lovers like the candle will never burn all the way down.  This is as it should be.  Through today’s rituals, take into yourselves the trembling nervous center of the universe.  Like the sun that shines as brightly as the brightest star yet takes no beauty away from anything it loves, exchange rings and vows today, kiss and embrace, and as your wedding ends in the music of our applause, breathe deeply together one eternal breath, two people who go into marriage so bonded you know you will both, from now on, carry life’s beautiful masterpiece—marriage and family–in your strong hands.

Copyright 2021 Michael Gurian